Why, oh why do I always scrub the kitchen to within an inch of it's life and then cook dinner? Why don't I ever cook dinner and then clean the kitchen to within an inch of it's life so I can enjoy it for a while? I'm an idiot.
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Met with the Medical Oncologist this morning - Dr.M (a different Dr.M - not Dr.M the Surgeon). She explained that I am HER2 positive and have a rapid growing cancer. Even though the tumor was removed, there is a possibility that cancer may be "unseen" in other places - she stated that unequivicably I must have Chemotherapy due to the manner in which cancer cells grow in my body.
I will have six cycles of Chemotherapy (cycles occur every 3 weeks), my chemo cocktail will be Taxotere, Cytoxan and Herceptin. After the six cycles I will continue with Herceptin every 3 weeks for 6 months. Dr. M's nurse gave me three pages of definite and potential side affects I will encounter. She also provided me with prescriptions for a steroid and two anti nausea drugs along with with a recipe for a mouth rinse and a nose spray.
It was all just too much today, information overload! I honestly stopped listening because my mind just floated away as I started to think about what I did to deserve this. Why me?
The nurse kept asking me if I wanted a prescription for a wig - "you sure you don't want one?" Losing my hair is not a major concern for me. I've worn a short hair cut for almost 15 years - hair, or the lack there of, is not a big deal. I was also told that I will have to have Dr.M (Surgeon) put a port in my chest for the administering of the Chemotherapy. I DO NOT WANT A PORT IN MY CHEST!!!!
Next week, I have to get a bone scan, chest scan, and some heart analysis shit!! The Chemotherapy is set to begin the first week in June, after the test next week and the port placement.
I reviewed my medical claims submitted to insurance since the diagnoses in March - $29K and counting. Cancer is expensive! Thank god I have insurance.
With all this treatment news, beside the fact I'm heading into another weekend with this freakin drain still hanging at my side - it seems things would be better if I just put a pistol to my temple and pull the trigger.
The real nitty gritty has begun on the house.
Dust covers the heavy duty plastic covering on the furniture in the kitchen and dinning room. New copper pipes replace old rotted ones. Parts of the living room and kitchen have been knocked out to make way for a new bathroom on the main level. Old furniture pieces have been donated.
My back (and even a part of my chest) hurts from all of the packing, moving and even carrying my child around on a daily basis.
Change is here and in a big way.
In the midst of packing up my bedroom I've thrown away a lot things.
A couple of old book bags filled with classwork from my junior and high school years, old and broken trinkets and donated just about my entire closet of clothes and shoes to charity; stuff I hadn't worn since the late 80s and well into the 90s.
I came across old printed out emails, including one from my "Him from New York"; professing his "love" for me. Whatever...
I've come across many pictures and loose change.. I didn't realized I had so many pictures and money scattered about.
In the midst of all of this change I can't help but wonder what is in store for the future.
Indeed I'm in this new phase in life, but I don't know how to describe it. It almost feels as if I'm in the same position I was in during my first brink of real change.... very pivotal.
The urge to write has hit me and I'm a bit frustrated cause within this week alone soooo much had to be done before the walls could be knocked into no time to really write. i just pray that the thoughts retain in my head, even as I dream.
Now that the renovation work has officially begun, it sort of caught everyone in the household a little off guard - even though we've known about this since the planning stages. Yet, to see a drastic change to your HOUSE go on right before your eyes is "a hold your breath" kinda thing.
This is indeed not only a change in my life but in my parents as well. For 28 years all of us have LIVED in this house - a house that was originally built in the 50s(?) by an old white guy - who built it for him and his grown son. His son never moved in, because once the house was finished he had gone to live elsewhere and started a family on his own. This is the story my old Italian (next door) neighbor would tell our family over and over.
Speaking of which I miss Ms. Lovisa dearly. I grew up fascinated by her well kept garden in the backyard and her mini vineyard. Who ever heard of a mini vineyard with grapes growing wildly in Southeast Washington, DC? Ms. Lovisa may have very well left Italy, but Italy didn't leave her. And yes.. she did make wine and didn't hesitate in sharing with my father. She even picked me up from school a couple of times - once with a visiting relative from Italy and I got an earful of spoken Italian as I sat back and smile and nodded as if I understood.
It broke my heart when she was no longer able to care for herself. Her family placed her in a nursing home clear on the other side of town... more so in Montgomery County, MD near her sister. Her house was sold and I was a bit angry at the folks who now live in "Ms. Lovisa's House." How dare they get rid of her garden and dig up her beautiful peonies!
Again.. that was a change I wasn't ready for just yet.
Along with this change that is occurring there's Papi. I find myself haunted by past lovers; with opportunities that I could have jumped on but left alone. I'm definitely not the same girl. Each day I'm wanting Papi more and more. Still it's one day at a time. Just be. Last night we had gone to see The Roots and Erykah Badu perform. What's strange is, I've never been the cuddle in public type, but there I was with my head resting on his shoulder or my arm contently on his leg as Erykah Badu sang her heart out.
Side note: Can I just say I looked and felt sexy. I rarely say this often, even if it is about myself but I was hot! I found a dress at Torrid.. something like this - minus the pockets and mine is a dark gray. My jewelry from the Lalia Rowe store in Tyson's Corner... something like this - my necklace was multi-color with pastels pink, yellow, a mint green and light blue. My black six inch Steve Madden pumps and my black clutch from Aldo. Oh and of course the right touch of MAC make up. I even wore a little eyeshadow which is something I do once is a blue moon. Ironically, I matched Papi who was wearing gray and black; which is something I loathe when I see a couple matching. However, I had no idea he was going to wear such. Too bad we didn't take any pictures.
Change is in the air and I'm not talking about Obama's madness.
I feel like shedding more skin.
Recognize. Accept. Embrace.
Change.. feel it
headed toward capital city.
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I'll stop looking into reduction surgery now that I know. Bummer..I was hoping they could help me out with the perk factor while they were at it.
I switched purses last night. I only do that once or twice a year because I tend to fall in love with a purse and keep it until I fall in love with the next one. Well, I fell in love with the next one last winter but had to wait until it was warm to switch over. You can see why...
Anyhow..I couldn't believe how much change was at the bottom of my old purse..it could be measured in actual pounds..
Okay so at work a coworker was telling a school mate of mine where he lived ( Twin peaks , which is in the Castro) and out of no where my school mate blurts out I aint going down there they have diseases down there! this disease he's talking about is the staf or however you spell it.. what nonsense! he went on to talk about how this started in the Castro and it's the reason for it. I'm like what the fuck dude! Staff didn't start out in the Castro, there was a nation wide out break and it went to nearly every school in the country ! then he's like I have the article to prove it I read the papers, I'm like for christ sake there was one article published in a paper saying it's more predominant in the gay community ( this article is a load of bs in my book) and so what if it's predominant in the gay community that doesn't mean it started there and for christ sakes nearly all of America had it so wat america's gay now? are you going to move to another country then since the Castro is to infested for you?! urgh I just want to throw people like his kind out the window, the Castro is one of the most beautiful places in Sf, it has some of the best restaurants and stores and some of the happiest people ( no pun intended ) and I'll never stop going there so mr arrogant ahole get your facts straight before you go pining something on a particular group of people!
My son listens to Mozart nearly every night before bed. He loves this one CD of music. I believe it's his Symphony 40 & 41. I would go look, but he is listening to it right now as he drifts off into slumberland. Sometimes I wonder if I should set up a little hidden spy camera to see what it is that he does while he is in his room trying to prepare to sleep. Sometimes his door is open and sometimes it is not. There is usually silence, except for the clicking of a toy, flicking of a page, or something else he has hoarded in his bed to play with. Tonight, I got a little view of what it is that he does. He read two books and drew some pictures. Then he brought me his finished art. Other than that, I have no clue. He is a very interesting little boy.
Daddy helps ALix into her soccer sock and cleats
Ready to go out and play Mom!
The coach helps Alix in the goal ~ check out Alix's stance
Daddy gives Alix a pep talk
"Hey Mom, my shoe fell off!!"
I love this picture of my monkey!
Dad coaches Alix while she is in goal
And, here she is all alone!
Her coach seems great! And she had some really nice words about Alix, including mentioning how polite Alix was. Alix was a bit shy at first, but she quickly warmed up and ran the entire hour. By the end of it her little face was all red and she was sweaty and stinky - and she is so proud that her cleats now are stinky! Yea, she's still a weirdo!
